灵修日记 9/29

“耶稣却不信任他们，因为他知道所有的人， 也不需要谁指证人是怎样的，因为他知道人心里存的是甚么。”

约翰福音 2:24-25

人们看了神迹，就信了耶稣。但耶稣看出他们的内心光景。他们只看到神迹，却没有真正看到信耶稣要付的代价，没有看到神为了我们要受死在十字架上。他们的信是肤浅的信。耶稣不愿自己成为他们那样信的那位。

我们也不是总求神迹么！我的信心建立在什么上面？我愿意背起十架和耶稣受苦么？前几天讨论说到如果喜欢求神迹，本身就代表信心的不足。因为神说过的话，就一定会算数的。

主啊求你怜悯我，让我的信心建立在磐石上，让我更多的爱你，更多的认识你。也让我在做每一件事情都来荣耀你。与我同在。阿门！

太久没有写日记了

看看上一篇博客的时间，竟然是2014年的最后一天。这都9月份了，事情一件接着一件，每天都很忙碌。已经想了好多次要把经历的事情好好的写下来。但是始终没有时间静下心来好好来写。确切的说，是太忙碌了，一旦有一点点空闲的时间，也不会用来写博客。

过去这几个月发生了好几件大事，如果不写下来就怕以后忘记了。还有就是自己已经不再年轻，害怕年老的时候回忆起年轻时候的事情，竟是一片空白。把经历与感想都写下来的好处之一就是当以后想回顾曾经的时候有所依据。并且根据文中的用词能够回想起当时的感受。

今天，我不得不赞叹神的奇妙恩典。琳琳去查经了，三米睡觉了，就我一个人。当我在挣扎并马上意志动摇要犯罪的时候，我心里默想，“神啊，你能救我么！”。两秒钟之后，牛颖就在KCCC-5的群里面发言了，然后大家踊跃的交谈。我也参与其中，渐渐的我的意志就坚强起来。到底也没有犯罪。也许在别人看来没什么。但我深知我心里的征战的真实，以及神的奇妙。

好了，我的下一篇要着重讲一下琳琳生孩子时候的事情。

My Year of 2014

I have not posted blog for quite a while. It is the last day of Year 2014. It is needed to come up with something as the wrap up of the year.

Forgive me for typing in English. This computer does not have Chinese input.

I have read all the posts of mine back since the beginning of my internship. I was deeply touched. It was God's blessing which led me and Linlin through the whole process.

Think back of 2014, my life has been changed dramatically. I would not be able to imagine that I am sitting at my desk of Travelers insurance company with Ph.D. degree and expecting my first child at the beginning of 2014!!!! Back then I was a PhD candidate struggling with the hopeless dissertation, and working in the Grad college with the minimal paycheck.

Again, it is God's abundant grace and blessings, not my efforts. His plan is superior of our plan. What we need to do is one thing only: Be humble to follow His words. Let me summarize my year in a chronological  order.

Jan-mid May, 2014: I was working at Grad college as a stats consultant. But I knew I would go for the internship over summer. Dr. Di Pierro was with me to find my replacement. We conducted interviews and training for the new person. Grad college staff had a farewell party to me. I knew that they appreciated my service very much. And moreover, the chair of Dept. of Education asked me the possibility to be a term faculty. Even though it was not coming through in the end. It was a praise from God for my commitment to glory Him in working, at least in my mind.

I really appreciated the help from Dr. Di Pierro. She was an angle that God put in my life. She hired me when I was in a devastating situation, which saved me. That was a miracle from God to respond to my prayer. Along the course of 6 years, she continuously trusted me, built me and recognized me. I really thank her for all the help.

Mid May - mid Aug: Linlin and I sold most of our stuff, moved out of the apartment, preparing for the internship. We felt scared later about this decision because we will have no place to live if Travelers did not hire me.

We came to Hartford, visited new church and met new people. For the internship, my manager was very helpful and he recommended me to meet different people and kept me posted to all different people. I used all my learning from working in Grad College  in the new company, and the final presentation was good too.

In the weekend, Linlin and I rented cars to visited many places. This summer was the best one for Linlin and me. It was like our second honeymoon, with enough money.

Mid Aug- late Oct: Since we did not have apartment to live, Linlin and I stayed in Auntie Grace's house. We are so thankful that she accommodated us. Otherwise, we will sleep in the street.

We were hanging in the air and waiting for Travelers' decision. During the last couple of weeks of the internship, I had a feeling to put all my faith on this job because we thought this job is God's will and we wanted to experience God Himself in this case. This feeling got stronger and stronger over the prayers and many little small things happened to echo my feeling. It was like a gamble. But gambling for God, it's worthy. It turned out that God is faithful. He respond to our prayer and feeling with the offer from Travelers with very good salary. And now I can tell you this job is exactly what I have been dreaming of. Our faith on God boosted a lot from this experience.

We received the job offer and the news of Linlin was pregnant on the same day!!! We were so shocked first and then became nervous. Linlin's morning sickness was kind of severe and her mood was not too good. This child was not in our plan, even though we did not use any birth control. It was God's gift. His plan is higher than our plan. His giving is more than what we see and what we expected.

I was once so hopeless and thought I would never be able to accomplish my dissertation. But my adviser pushed me a little bit. I finally made it!!!! Until now I still cannot believe it even though I have the diploma on my table!! It was a miracle from God. And it was His blessing. I thank my adviser, brother JC for his patience and continuous support. I was such a lazy student.

Late Oct - end Dec: We moved to Hartford, found a nice apartment and started working. I really loved my work and I cannot wait to get up to work in the morning. I was swimming in all the new knowledge and trying to learn as much as possible.

Linlin's pregnancy was going well. We now have insurance to cover all the tests and checks. I really appreciate my wife for living with me and bearing with me. She is the most wonderful woman I can marry with.

We resided in a new fellowship called Agape. We are getting used to the new church. Pastor's sermon was boring but we are praying for changing ourselves.

And now we are hunting a house!!! This is another blessings from God! We never dare to think of our own house coming so close! Thanks to  my parents in-law. They gave us the most supports.

Summary:
This year, 2014, is Linlin and my most important year. Our lives were totally upgraded. It was God's grace. Even we often turn away from Him, he never abandon us. He loves us.

I pray that God please reveal yourself more and more to us. Let us love you more and more. Do not let us be distracted by cars, houses or any other mundane things, but only focus on YOU. You are the creator. Please keep our hearts close to you. Empty us, use us. Let our marriage glory your name!

Thank you Lord!

Kalamazoo Final Testimony，卡拉马祖临别见证

2014年10月5日 KCCC

 个人

我2008年来到Kalamazoo，那时将近23岁。六年过后，将近29岁，要去另一个地方开始新的生活。在教会里度过了整整六年，从福音朋友，到受洗成为基督徒，参加学生小组，带领小组，成为同工。在这里认识主，在这里成长，结婚，找到工作，毕业，准备当爸爸。我人生中的重要时刻都是在教会，和弟兄姐妹一起经历。

我记得小学的时候，我问我的大姨，我说我以后要上中学，然后考大学，然后工作，然后退休，然后生病，最后死掉。有什么意思？ 我还记得我大姨吃惊的表情。现在回想起来，我说的真对，不认识主耶稣。人生就是那样，没有意义。 来到美国最大的收获就是认识了神，信靠了神。并且借着与神独处，聚会，祷告还有弟兄姐妹的爱，信心一点一点的加深，越信越要觉得更要信。

神真的是信实的。当我用心寻求的时候，他就给我应正给我回应。神的意念高过我们的意念，神的道路高过我们的道路。 神并没有给我所有我祷告祈求的。我在申请博士的时候，我十分想到东部的学校去，因为琳琳在那边，我们异地恋很辛苦。我禁食祷告，但神没有应允我，我当时绝望的感到这段感情可能要结束了。结果神改变了琳琳的想法，把琳琳从东部带到kalamazoo来并且让琳琳认识他信靠他，这种奇妙的安排是我想都没有想过的。 当我第一次申请我现在要去的这个公司的时候，当时我通过祷告寻求觉得这就是神的应许，结果我被拒绝了。当时我对神很生气很失望。奇妙的是神在一年之后把这份工作给了我。在这一年期间，我完成了论文，并且顺利通过论文答辩。现在可以毫无顾虑的去工作。神是信实的，他的应许没有改变，只是他要在一个最完美的时间来成就。

现在我和琳琳在顺境中，神用这种经历教会了我和琳琳如何感恩，在之前的困境和挫折里面神要塑造我们的品格，去除老我，学会忍耐和盼望，更像主耶稣。神允许苦难发生的时候他会用他的右手托住我们，和我们一起一步一步的走出来。回想起来这六年，从我个人的角度来讲，真的是条充满了祝福的道路。

家庭

感谢神让我在16岁的时候就认识了琳琳，在19岁的时候就早早的锁定了她。第一次谈恋爱遇到的就是自己的太太，曾经觉得很可惜。现在觉得真的是神大大的祝福。

琳琳刚刚搬过来的时候，我们经常吵架，她撕坏过窗帘，我摔碎过杯子。当我们都信主一段时间以后，我们吵架的次数越来越少，激烈程度也越来越小,家里的物品再也没有无辜受到过牵连。通过对神话语认识的加深，我们更看到自己身上需要改进的地方。我们时不时的会一起分享交流对神的领悟与得着，那时刻是非常的幸福。

我一个人生活的时候，觉得自己哪里都挺好的。和琳琳一起的时候，他就像一面镜子，让我看到自己满身污秽，有些罪藏得很深甚至之前自己都不觉得。有时真的觉得自己就是那假冒伪善的人。

我和琳琳一起服侍一起学习成长，是神的恩典。我们一起在敬拜团，在芥菜种小组。从一开始的简单参与，到后来的带领。我们交流的话题也逐渐谈到了对小组现有的问题的看见，解决的方法，以及未来发展方向的讨论。我们都感觉到神让我们借着服侍成长了好多好多。

教会

我们教会真的有好多好多的爱，这爱是从神而来。弟兄姐妹的爱吸引着我和琳琳，每当我们有需要的时候，总有好多弟兄姐妹伸手来帮助。我们常常感到愧疚，一来因为想要帮助的人太多，我们不得不说一些够了，谢谢；二来因为从弟兄姐妹身上看到他们有那么多的爱可以给予，而我和琳琳总是觉得我们两个太过关注自己的事情，给予出去的爱太少。

因着爱神，我们虽背景文化不同，性格不完美，但我们互相帮补，互为肢体，从而和神心意。特别进入到同工会后，虽然发现弟兄姐妹的看见不完全一致，但是我能深深感受到每一个意见的背后是对神的爱，以及对教会的真正关心。即使意见不同，依旧忠心的服侍，依旧顺服。这种灵里面的合一我觉得非常宝贵。

我和琳琳非常感谢教会每一位弟兄姐妹对我们的关爱和帮助。你们的爱让我和琳琳安全健康的在主里面成长。我们也感谢那些我们服侍过帮助过的弟兄姐妹，正是你们给我和琳琳机会来行出神的话语，成为流通祝福的管道。

我和琳琳下周四就要启程，我们会在那个地方来服侍来成长。虽然地图上离开家的距离变远了一点，但我们灵里面却是时刻相通的。我们一定会经常再见。如果主愿意，我们还会在一起服侍他。实在要是没有机会，我们以后在天国里再继续聊。

我们基督徒的离别从来不是伤感的，而是充满喜乐和盼望的。因为主耶稣已经为我们成就了大事，他给了我们永生的盼望。神是信实的圣洁的，满有恩典和怜悯，也是公义的活泼的。与主同行，与神互动，看着神的手在自己身上动工的时候，是一件很幸福很奇妙的事情。

我想用我受洗的时得到的圣经中，牧师写给来勉励我的经文来结束今天的见证：“箴言3章5,6节 ：“你要专心仰赖耶和华，不可倚靠自己的聪明。在你一切所行的事上都要认定他，他必指引你的路。”

明天就要离开Kalamazoo了

从实习回来后，感觉经历了好多好多事情。以前琳琳和我说，她好像觉得好事情永远不会发生在我们身上。结果呢，回来之后，我找到了工作，然后同一天知道琳琳怀孕了。然后我最后冲刺一下，又毕业了。 短短的一个多月，真的是三喜临门啊。

明天早上就要离开了，我来到Kalamazoo六年了，琳琳来到这里也4年多了。我一直觉得神对我很好，给我设计了一个美妙的人生。但是，通过最近的感触，弟兄姐妹以及身边的朋友老师的分享。我真的觉得我和琳琳身上有着神给我们满满的恩典。我们从福音朋友，到信主，成长，服侍，再成长。神给了我们纯洁的信心，神也给我们一群可爱的弟兄姐妹。我曾经觉得自己求学的道路真的很漫长，论文永远都没有尽头。

论文对我来讲真的是非常沮丧，写了两年多，没有任何头绪。我自己也是很懒惰，一点也不愿意写。曾经觉得遥遥无期，觉得很绝望，感觉永远不会毕业。真的是神的恩典，我实习回来的时候还觉得没有希望在工作前完成。结果在王老师的催促下，我还真的完成了。真的很感谢主。

回想起来这六年来我和琳琳的成长经历，以及从无到有的过程，真的是满满的恩典。回想起来真的意识到都是神的看顾，感谢主！除了感恩还是感恩。

要去到新的地方，我们也要继续谦卑的与主同行。继续成长，继续服侍主。

我自己的灵命，最近真的是想近不了，因为我自己有软弱有犯罪，坚持了200天之后还是犯罪了。一犯罪就觉得离神远了好多。还得谦卑下来和主同行，千万不能大意或者骄傲。哪怕有个空隙，撒旦都会进来。主啊，求您赐我力量。

载着满满的祝福与美好的回忆，我和琳琳即将开启新的旅程。

我终于找到工作了！

神真的是信实的，他的应许从不改变。他所赐给我们的是眼睛未曾看到，耳朵未曾听到，心里未曾想到的。神给我们的超出我们的所求所想。

我们决定把所有的信心放到神的应许上，不看任何其他的工作。神就应允了我们的祷告。主我感谢你，我赞美你！你的信实存到永远！

主日听道笔记, 2014年6月

地点：哈特福德华人浸信会

6月8日，讲道很烂，收获来自主日学。

黄立夫博士关于成功的七个步骤：

1. 人的努力 ---》成功

2. 人的努力+神的祝福---》成功

3. 神的祝福+人的努力---》成功

4. 全是神的祝福

5. 神的旨意 + 人的顺服 ---》人的成功

6. 神的旨意 + 人的顺服---》 神的成功

7. 神根本没有要我们成功，神要我们忠心。

如何定义工作、家庭、服侍的重要性：

工作的时候工作第一，不要做家庭和服侍的事情。

家庭的时间家庭第一，服侍第二，工作第三。

服侍的时候服侍第一，家庭第二，工作第三。

极特殊的情况，可以偶尔个别的暂时换顺序。因为我们在工作，家庭和服侍中，由于忠心的做事，都有隐形的存款，当存款很多的时候，偶尔的不得以的特殊情况，存款不会被花光，可以得到理解。